Tonight Michael held Jack as he cried loudly and miserably because he didn’t want to go to bed. I warmed up some milk and decided I’d take him outside and we would look at the stars to distract him and then try again. As I came into his room, Michael waved me away and mouthed that he was fine. I hate hearing my baby cry but I knew it was ok because he was wrapped up in his daddy’s arms. A little while later the cries died down and he fell asleep. I wanted to distract him from his frustration. Michael was allowing him to embrace it while being held, while knowing he wasn’t alone.
My tendency is to fix problems even when I shouldn’t be the one fixing them. Or trying to calm the waters when maybe they need to be stirred up. Peace is important and a gift but sometimes turmoil is so great and so awful that to not feel it or to push it aside would be an injustice; a rejection of what makes us human, of what makes us feel and empathize and be there for one another. Sometimes we need to feel what we need to feel, not be distracted from it. Sometimes we need to be the person sitting with the person feeling, just sitting with them- not fixing or distracting, just being.
Life is fragile. I was reminded of this today and it makes my heart hurt. It makes a million questions rush to my mind about why things are the way they are, why our bodies fail us so easily, why we have to face pain, hurt, and loss. Losing someone, whether to death or to distance or a broken relationship is so very painful.
I’ve felt the need to reconcile that today, to have answers, but all my questions have just kept me spinning circles in my head. And what I really need to do is feel for my friends who have experienced a deep loss, let myself feel what it brings up about dear ones I have lost in the past. Let myself feel frustration and anger about the way things are and allow others space to feel the same. Tomorrow can be the day of finding answers or finding contentment in mystery but today it is ok to feel and leave it at that.